and so i found the world
in a haystack
not another word
about how i discovered it

selling me by pieces
one at a time
i know diseases
are not at the bottom of this

crazy mixed up totally stable one of a kind

Cryptic as my last post was, I clear it up now by stating that my boyfriend and I are back together. There are things that I worry about, as after a year together, I must expect certain things out of the relationship. I fully admit that these may cause another, more permanent break up, if he doesn't understand.

However, my life does not revolve around him and, if it ever does, please punch me in the face. No, I have new, more tangible things to worry about. Namely money and school. The lack of hours at work have left me all together broke. This is compounded by the start of school next week. As helpful as the lack of hours are to keeping up with my school work, I need survival. I want... need a new job by summer. Before it gets warm, even. It's not fair to talk about school before I start, so that will have to wait.

I have an idea as to how to make money, but there are some people who are sure as hell not going to like it. My boyfriend possibly being a big one. Still...

In a sense, I've always wanted to love someone so much that when I lost them, I would feel lost. I always end up losing someone. Always sabotage myself. As I've said before, the hardest part is waiting. The hardest part is not knowing. The hardest part is not having a choice. I pushed the button, now I have to deal with the consequences. And the longer it takes, the less hope I have.

I'm so tired.

At the moment that I am writing this, it is -5(F) in Chicago. But, nobody cares what the actual temperature is. Our eyes all glance over at what it really feels like. Never does it feel warmer, to brace against the cold chill. Still, we hope that it is more hopeful than the -24(F) it feels at the moment that I am typing this.

When I go to work tonight, it will not be much different. Not much better. Or worse. I work in a very weather specific environment. Ice cream, to be exact. Although we do get customers in these cold Chicago nights, I wonder who will come in tonight. Their breath, illuminated by the kind of lights that make you blink your eyes once or twice to get used to them, but you never do. Hands, rubbing together vigorously to get warm, only to be cold again once they wrap their mittens around that red cup. You've 'Gotta Have It' to come out in this kind of weather.

But, I'll be there.

To the last child.

Sometimes, I check up on you, to see how you're doing. And, though you're fixated on tits and ass and all that come between and below, the need for a someone and not a something can be seen through the cracks of desperation. I want to tell you how important you were to me in me becoming me, but I don't want you to imagine me more naked than I was last time I was in your arms while I tell you this.

We weren't a public thing, though I told while you never took my hand. I want to tell you that I wanted more and, yet, I left only missing something rather than someone. Maybe it's not fair of me to say. Maybe you should stop having affairs and start having and holding. I have. It's nice.

Still, this isn't about me, as it usually is. If I could, I would bow to you. Tip my bowler hat. And gently smile a knowing smile, knowing that I know nothing. At least, not as much as you. Not nearly.